Lately, I have been feeling depressed. It all started after my trip to Houston.
Since returning, I have been feeling increasingly blah about a lot of things (weight, money, myself, my life, my lack of children), but especially about work. It kills me to get up and go each morning. I find myself wondering why I do the job I do. I think I'm probably just burned out. I work so much overtime over the fall and winter and spend so many of my work hours trying to make people happy. Even when I think they are jerks, I can't help myself. I just want everyone to be happy.
Lately, though, I've been starting to wonder, what's in it for me? It's certainly not money. While I work overtime making sure other people get their bonuses, I'm not exactly overcompensated for my work. But the minute someone is even a little discontented, I feel the need to go out of my way swoop in and fix things IMMEDIATELY, then find myself feeling frustrated when they don't appreciate it.
Don't get me wrong. Most people aren't a problem. Most people aren't even selfish. I have enough pride in my work to even want them to get what they have coming. The majority are even appreciative and pleasant. The thing is that when you're overly sensitive and prone to taking things personally, one person's bad vibes can negate the good vibes the other nine put forth.
Some people are hell bent on finding problems and start conversations with phrases like "I demand..." and "I expect..." Sometimes I want to tell them "And I expect you to not be such an asshole. I guess we're both going to end up disappointed." Sometimes I wonder if they think their heads will explode if they say "thank you". But, of course, those are the sorts of unproductive thoughts I usually keep to myself.
Still, it frustrates me. I place incredible value on doing things "right" and not being the kind of person who is unresponsive or uncaring about my work or the people I serve. I like helping people. I like advocating for them and making sure they receive what they are due. It's a principle thing. I don't even mind going beyond what they're due to what is simply right and kind. I have never felt better at work than the day I managed to talk a director into allowing to pay one of my reps early on some business that hadn't closed in time for a cutoff. He was helping his father-in-law who had cancer but no insurance pay for his chemo treatments. It wasn't my job to do that, but it made me feel so good that I played a small role in helping relieve a little bit of stress for that family at least for that month.
But I'm tired. It makes me question what I am doing. It makes me wonder if it isn't time for a change. Or maybe it's just time for a vacation. It's definitely time for something. The good thing is that if there's one thing you can count on in my workplace, it's change. I have my annual review in a couple weeks. I'll have a better sense of where things are going then. After that, maybe things will improve or maybe it will be time to take the sage advice of Dusty of Wenatchee. Who knows, it could be fun...