Welcome to 2011 and welcome to my attempt to blog every day for the month of January. It is time to shake things up a bit. It's been so long since I've posted or even written anything with any kind of regularity that I am excited to start doing so again. I'm also a little nervous. There are some logistical challenges with the first week of January due to a work trip. I'm still not sure if I'll be able to post every day or just write every day and post later. But that is not the real reason for my apprehension. The real reason is that for a long time I've felt dried up, like I just don't have anything interesting to say. I start to write, find myself unable to find a hook, wonder "what's the point?", then give up in frustration.
I originally created this blog to coax myself into becoming less freakish about writing in a forum other people could read. While I never got too far into posting any creative writing, it really did help bolster my confidence. It feels natural to come back here when I again need that boost.
Frankly, this whole endeavor is kind of a cliff hanger for me. What if I really don't have anything to say? What if I say something and you think it's stupid? What if we're all allotted a certain number of words at birth and I've used mine up? Can I find a month's worth of topics? Do they have to be novel? Do they have to be interesting? Do they have to be good?
Do I have to care?
I think the answer is probably "No, it's not my job to worry about that", but that's not how I roll! I am a growing snowball of anxiety about being "good enough". I roll like a gold medalist in the Worry Olympics!
At the same time, there are so many great things about life! How could anyone not have anything at all to say? Maybe I just need a little push.
When I was a kid, I used to like to climb up on top of the jungle gym and jump off. But I never just climbed up and got down to business. I always stood there for a moment to work up my nerve. My little thrill seeking heart was always at war with my rational head.
What if something went wrong? What if I fell and got hurt instead of landing surely on my feet?
But if I didn't jump I'd miss the thrill. So, eventually, I always did jump and I always hit the ground happy and running.
And that is what I am doing tonight in these first minutes of the new year, taking a leap. It's no accident that I orchestrated my evening so I could be writing at midnight. I feel dried up, but what if it's just that my rational, analytical day job mind has caused my creative, playful, flowering, fearless mind to close down?
In some ways, I am not a big fan of New Year's resolutions. Not because they are bad, but because I believe we should make changes as they are needed without being bound by dates. Still, if I think about what I want of the new year, I think it may just be the courage to be unapologetically me – to not worry about whether I am good enough, thin enough, smart enough, creative enough, likeable enough and instead just be and enjoy being.
And part of who I am is someone who enjoys playing with words and ideas. So, here I go…
If you care to join me in my month of writing, let me know and I'll happily read along!