For days now, I've been trying to come up with a good post. My mind is conspiring against me. It has always had a mind of its own. The problem is that it has contrived to be everywhere and nowhere all at the same time. It has been consuming novels and nonfiction like it hasn't eaten in weeks. It is quite happy watching movies even television. It is just having a difficult time settling down enough to produce anything of its own. It's like a food processor on high speed. The thoughts are in the well, but by the the time the Mindomatic 3000 is done with them, they are an unrecognizable, formless purée.
That is not to say that I haven't been trying. I have about six half-written posts on topics as diverse as Klezmer music and plumbing just waiting to see the light of day. They simply are not ready to be finished. I suppose my mind isn't either. 2006 still has so many loose ends that it is still scrambling to tie up (like who shot J.R., will Nancy Drew be successful in solving The Mistletoe Mystery, and what ever happened to the familiar yellow covers of my youth? This new Nancy Drew is missing something. But I digress...)
When I look back at New Year's Eve last year, things felt pretty different. I remember C. sending me a lovely note about all of the wonderful, new things 2006 would bring. Indeed, it has been a year of change. When I read that note, I never dreamt he would be gone before the year was half over. I never dreamt that I would find myself being completely honest on the "Are you satisfied with your current position?" portion of my self-review or that I would stand up to my boss and tell her that my job has evolved into something that I didn't sign on for and that if it didn't change, I would be seeking other employment. I did not dare hope that her response would be "Don't quit on me yet. Let me see what I can do", yet that is exactly what it was.
Looking back,I know that my life was not perfect, even before the baffling events of early summer. It's just that I had someone, something, somewhere to channel my hopes and that made me happy. That makes the more than imperfect far more bearable. When there is abundance in one area, it makes a person less inclined to notice the drought ridden plains onto which it has overflowed. It also makes the world come crashing down far harder when one's objet d'esperance disappears.
While I don't regret them, because they brought me much happiness, the truth is that I've spent a lot of the past four years waiting. In doing so, I put off dealing with certain areas of my life, because it seemed that if I waited long enough, they might drift into obsolescence. As it turns out, they were there waiting for me all along. So, now on the precipice of 2007, I don't know where I am going.
If one looks at life as a cabaret, it is exciting. From cradle to tomb isn't that long a stay and the possibilities are endless. There are so many directions in which 2007 could go. Too many directions. But I am no Sally Bowles. I cannot ignore the ill winds of the future, even winds of far inferior ill to Fascism and Nazism. I take things seriously; sometimes too seriously. Sometimes my mind creates ill winds, even when the air is sweet and fragrant.
Maybe that is my goal for the coming year - to not worry so much about what will happen, but rather to enjoy what is happening and not be so afraid to just say what I and go for it. Life is short. I still miss C. I'm sure I will for a long time to come. I have no desire for new romantic entanglements. That is okay, but it is also no reason to miss out on the other parts of living. Tomorrow there will be time for resolutions and plans, but for today I think I'll go for a walk in the sleeping rose gardens on the hill, wrapped in the warm, as yet shapeless hope of better things to come in 2007.
Happy New Year!