Dateline Houston

I have arrived in Texas and I am SO tired. I can't even begin to explain how tired I am after getting up at 3 a.m. (my valiant attempt to force myself to go to bed at 9 p.m. did not pan out), but I made it. Oh well, who needs sleep anyway?

Apparently not the ten year old who was sitting by me. Upon plopping down next to me, she announced that she had been up since 1 a.m. and had drank two Monster energy drinks. The energy drinks explain a lot. She was this little strawberry blonde, freckled whirlwind hair metal band afficionado who talked my ear off the whole time. Most of our conversation went approximately like this:

Her: I'm going to visit my mom

Me: Really? Are you excited to see her?

Her: No, not really. Do you know what an Xbox is?

Me: Sure

Her: Do you play?

Me: No, not so much.

Her: I am OBSESSED with Xbox! Do you have kids?

Me: No, but I have a godson and he plays video games.

Her: I don't know what that is but I'm in third grade, but supposed to be in fourth.

Me: Well, sometimes we need a little extra time to learn things.

Her: Do you like rap?

Me: Some.

Her: You do????

Me: Sure, I like most kinds of music.

Her: Well, my favorite is 80's rock. Do you know who Brett Michaels is?

Me: Sure…

Her (suspiciously): What band is he in?

Me: Poison

Her (thinking): Who sang Cherry Pie?

Me: Some blonde guy with long hair

Her (mildly disgusted that I didn't give a better answer): I'm going to put my ipod on and listen to my favorite song over and over again, but I'll be right here.

Me: Ok, then

[I close my eyes to take a nap]

Her (the minute my eyes open): Do you watch Lifetime?

Me: Not really

Her: Have you seen The Wizard of Oz?

Me: Lots of times

Her: Is the Wicked Witch East, North, West or South?

Me: I think she was the Wicked Witch of the West

Her: Did you know in the old days they used to pull your tooth out with a string?

Me: Yeah, I think I heard something like that.

Her: In the old days when you were little, did you wear those things?

Me (trying not to laugh): Yeah, we wore things all the time back then.

Her: No, I mean those things with the straps and the thing in front that you attach.

Me: You mean overalls?

Her: Yeah

Me: I think that is more of a farm thing. I grew up in the city.

It went on like this for about two hours. In between she had time to quiz our other neighbor in much the same manner and also fill us in on her feelings about math (no good!), reading (even worse!), brothers (she hits hers with a bat(!) sometimes), ATV's and any number of things I am too tired to remember now. She also wrangled us into helping her with the book of word search puzzles she'd brought along and told us her favorite colors (there are seven, in case you wondered) and provided a list of her favorite movies.

If only I had an eighth of her energy. I would not be about ready to nod off right now.

More later. Tomorrow (Tuesday) we go on an offsite adventure, which actually sounds kinda fun.

On the Road Again

Dear Internets,

Do you ever have to go on work trips? I do, and that's why I am writing this post in the past to post in the future as though it were the present.

This time, the trip is to Houston for a national sales training. My flight leaves at 6 a.m., which means getting up at a time when even a rooster would tell you to fuck off and let him get some sleep, because I have to be ready for the coworker who is kindly giving me a ride to the airport, but wants to pick me up at 4 or 4:15 a.m. I don't even want to think about how early this means I'll have to get up! Surely it is cruel and unusual to force anyone to be up at that hour of the morning when it is not because they are just coming in from a night out!

As much as I love to travel, going on a work related trips always fills me with dread. Once at my final destination, things are usually fine and I even have fun. Before leaving, however, I always feel like I'd be willing to cut a deal with the Devil himself to avoid having to go. Nothing turns me into a homebody faster than forced travel.

To make matters worse, once I get to the hotel, my responsibilities are also going to be a bit out of my comfort zone. I am still not 100% clear on what it is that I will be doing beyond "meeting support", which as far as I can tell means assisting some executive with handouts, taking notes, making sure his mic works, projectors are working, etc. I don't know when it is I moved from administering compensation to being president of the AV Club, but I want to go back! I do not like this not knowing. I get anxious about screwing things up, even though none of it is rocket science. Even I don't know what I'm so worried about, but I am.

And don't even ask me how I'm going to provide meeting support all week AND get my normal job done, because no one else is going to be picking up the slack on that for me either. Guess who's going to be working some overtime the weekend she gets home? Just what everyone wants to do after a week away. I haven't even left yet and all I want to do when I return is spend the day watching movies in my pajamas while eating Chinese food right out of the carton.

Clearly, I need an attitude adjustment about this. Travelling is fun, right? Surely there are some reasons to look forward to this trip. Perhaps I can think of a few now:

1. It is warm and not grey in Houston right now.
   
2. Going through TSA security will probably be more action than I've seen in months!
   
3. Going to a state where the airports have Fox News stores will make me appreciate my lovely, liberal Portland all the more.
   
4. I will get to see lots of coworkers with whom I normally only get to communicate via phone and email. A few of these people are ones I've become friendly with but never actually met in person.
   
5. My roommate for the trip is awesome and will tell me about her recent vacation to South Africa.
   
6. The trip will take me out of my usual environment and allow me to kickstart some of the changes I want to make to my regular routine.
   
7. Travelling always gives you stories to tell.
   
8. I am not allowing this trip to interfere with my resolve to post something every day for a month.
   
9. It will all be over and I will be home in my pajamas eating pot stickers with my dogs before I know it!
   

First Quarter

If there's one thing I love, it's a good personality test. So, back when Strengthsfinder was all the rage, I finagled my way into taking the test through my work. In the post-test interview, I was told by HR that I am a good person to have around at the beginning of a project. I think this may be Strengthsfinder's way of gently telling me that I start things with much gusto, then peter out and lose interest after a time.

And it's true! I am great at brainstorming, planning and starting projects, but not so good at finishing them if there is no pressure to do so. You need only to look at my writing notebook to confirm this. I have a whole mystery novel outlined. But how much have I actually written? Maybe five chapters and that has taken years. Then there's my progress on the longest interior redesign in history. I have been redecorating my bedroom for so long that the whole color scheme and style have changed multiple times without there ever being a moment when it was complete. I love the excitement of finding a new vision and planning it out. It's when it comes to execution that I fail. Too often, I find myself diverted by some shiny new idea and never finish.

Maybe that's why I love the start of a new year so much. It's like time's way of putting new sheets on the bed. Everything is so crisp and new and filled with spring-fresh possibility. At New Year's, I am not a slacker who doesn't finish what she starts, I am a visionary! People actually encourage reevaluation, resolve and new beginnings. This time of year is a planner's paradise.

At the same time, I don't really like the idea of New Year's resolutions. If I am ready to start eating healthy or looking for a new job today, why wait? Still, it's good to have goals. A year is a long time and some of my goals are big, so I've decided to break my year into manageable quarterly goals that advance me to my main goal, which is simply to be happy.

So, here are the three things I think will most contribute to my general sense of well being at this time:

1. Lose 20 pounds by March 20.
   
2. Finish the longest redecoration known to man.
   
3. Create something every day (starting with a month of blogging in January).

Blogstravaganza 2011!

Welcome to 2011 and welcome to my attempt to blog every day for the month of January. It is time to shake things up a bit. It's been so long since I've posted or even written anything with any kind of regularity that I am excited to start doing so again. I'm also a little nervous. There are some logistical challenges with the first week of January due to a work trip. I'm still not sure if I'll be able to post every day or just write every day and post later. But that is not the real reason for my apprehension. The real reason is that for a long time I've felt dried up, like I just don't have anything interesting to say. I start to write, find myself unable to find a hook, wonder "what's the point?", then give up in frustration.

I originally created this blog to coax myself into becoming less freakish about writing in a forum other people could read. While I never got too far into posting any creative writing, it really did help bolster my confidence. It feels natural to come back here when I again need that boost.

Frankly, this whole endeavor is kind of a cliff hanger for me. What if I really don't have anything to say? What if I say something and you think it's stupid? What if we're all allotted a certain number of words at birth and I've used mine up? Can I find a month's worth of topics? Do they have to be novel? Do they have to be interesting? Do they have to be good?

Do I have to care?

I think the answer is probably "No, it's not my job to worry about that", but that's not how I roll! I am a growing snowball of anxiety about being "good enough". I roll like a gold medalist in the Worry Olympics!

At the same time, there are so many great things about life! How could anyone not have anything at all to say? Maybe I just need a little push.

When I was a kid, I used to like to climb up on top of the jungle gym and jump off. But I never just climbed up and got down to business. I always stood there for a moment to work up my nerve. My little thrill seeking heart was always at war with my rational head.

What if something went wrong? What if I fell and got hurt instead of landing surely on my feet?

But if I didn't jump I'd miss the thrill. So, eventually, I always did jump and I always hit the ground happy and running.

And that is what I am doing tonight in these first minutes of the new year, taking a leap. It's no accident that I orchestrated my evening so I could be writing at midnight. I feel dried up, but what if it's just that my rational, analytical day job mind has caused my creative, playful, flowering, fearless mind to close down?

In some ways, I am not a big fan of New Year's resolutions. Not because they are bad, but because I believe we should make changes as they are needed without being bound by dates. Still, if I think about what I want of the new year, I think it may just be the courage to be unapologetically me – to not worry about whether I am good enough, thin enough, smart enough, creative enough, likeable enough and instead just be and enjoy being.

And part of who I am is someone who enjoys playing with words and ideas. So, here I go…

If you care to join me in my month of writing, let me know and I'll happily read along!

Carol of the Blahs

And so it has begun – that pre-Christmas blah feeling is settling in. It happens every year and every year it sneaks up on me like it's something new. Then I have to cajole myself by decorating, singing, exposing myself to uplifting books, movies and Christmas carols, anything that will remind me that I like Christmas. I do like Christmas, right?

I know that I don't like the commercialism or that Christmas means being inundated with advertisements suggesting that what Jesus really wants is for me to spend $90 on a giant, plastic, remote-controlled sasquatch that was probably made by Chinese orphans working for .17 an hour. I also don't have the big Norman Rockwell scene of a family (frankly, they make me jealous!) to gather around the tree, singing Silent Night before going to bed to wake up in an international coffees holiday commercial where we make Christmas memories over steaming cups of Irish Mocha Mint as the kids tear open gifts some fat dude left behind for them. Any other time of year, some geriatric trying to break into your house by wedging himself down a chimney would be sad and a little creepy, but frame it in a legend about a kindly old man who flies around the world, delivering happiness to small children everywhere and the story somehow becomes magical.

It is in the hands of advertisers that it loses its soul. Suddenly its sweetness is lost in how many toys your credit card will accommodate before it maxes out. Even kids (especially kids) fall prey to the greedy commercialism that dominates the season. My once innocent little godson has certainly fallen prey. Two words best sum up his feelings about Christmas – "I want". His letter to Santa this year begins with those words. And his list isn't modest either. It reads like a love letter to the inventory of FAO Schwartz with a token "Hope you have a nice Christmas too, Santa" thrown in at the end for good measure (but only after being reminded) before going on to three post-scripts concerning other wants he previously forgot to mention. Don't get me wrong, I love the kid and I get that a lot of his wording is fueled by excitement. It just saddens me that his lust is not tempered by much else. In fairness, one of his later wishes was for Santa to finally remove me from the naughty list, so I guess I can't be too hard on the kid. If nothing else, he has my back. All of this reminds me, if you haven't seen What Would Jesus Buy?, now is a great time to watch it.

Meanwhile, I am trying to get my cheer on. It is not always easy. We put so much pressure on the holidays being a certain way that it's almost impossible to live up to the picture of perfection the advertisers seem to start painting ever earlier each year. There were stores that had started putting out Christmas stuff before Halloween was even over. With exceptions for Dickens and Tim Burton, I don't want ghosts in my wassail. It doesn't help that I just don't have the big, warm family whose happy memories the advertisers are telling me to buy. Don't get me wrong, I have great friends, but my holidays, while generally happy, are often non-traditional. I'm no Bible scholar, but I don't think the birth of Christ was supposed to inspire in me a familial version of penis envy.

I have no idea what we will be doing for Christmas this year, though I sense it will involve food (because, let's face it, most worthwhile things around here do involve food!). We had a really lovely and delicious Thanksgiving at Jen's house that has inspired me to want to cook some fantastic feast. I've been toying with something with eastern spices that would go with the camel caravan rhythms of Lorena McKennitt's A Midwinter Night's Dream. I love this reviewer's description of it:

"It's like a pre-Christian celtic band performing in the Alhambra, accompanied by a couple of local singers and a Dickensian caroler, and it works!"

It really does work. I think it may be my favorite Christmas cd and I think it may also be what I want Christmas dinner to be like this year – dried apricots, spices, pomegranates, plum pudding. Great, now I'm hungry! Just thinking about it is lifting some of the blah away.

My New Manifesto

Sometimes you've got to let everything go – purge yourself. If you are unhappy with anything . . . whatever is bringing you down, get rid of it. Because you'll find that when you're free, your true creativity, your true self comes out. ~ Tina Turner.

The other night I was watching Conan and they were doing a gag wherein Bruce Jenner, some crabs, and a hoarder (from the A&E show "Hoarders") welcome Conan O'Brien to basic cable. I just about died laughing when the hoarder came into the frame. Her squirrely expression was just priceless. Without saying a word, she managed to convey a kind of crazy covetousness. If I ever become a hoarder, I vow to adopt just such a paranoid expression. If you're going to be balls out weird, you might as well make people laugh, right?

In the present day, even though I am not too worried about anyone taking my crap, I can relate to how hard it can be to get rid of things. There are so many potential blocks – sentimentality, frugality, uncertainty, fear that we might throw something away and then need it later. If I am going to be honest, I definitely have some messy, packratty tendencies. At the same time, I don't like it. It makes me feel bogged down and eventually even tense and unproductive. Somehow an environment just feels less peaceful when there is too much stuff vying for space.

When my environment gets too cluttered, it starts to become distracting. I find it difficult to work or even think. So, I have decided that the best thing I can do to encourage the new period of productivity I hope to start is to let go of some of my clutter. I mean that both figuratively and literally, but since it's easier to clear my physical space, I am starting with that. So, I spent the greater part of the morning cleaning out my closet and developing my manifesto. Why? Because it was overflowing with things I neither wear nor need and everything is more fun when a manifesto is involved! Plus, if I don't give myself some rules, I will just end up getting stuff out and putting it away again without getting rid of anything.

So here is my decluttering manifesto:

• Be merciless. If it is ugly, has bad associations, makes me feel bad, or if I haven't used it in a year or don't plan to use it in the next, get rid of it.
  
• Be realistic. If it is doesn't fit, doesn't look good or doesn't fit my life- or personal style, it needs to be released.
  
• Be generous. Sometimes we outgrow things. If that's the case, let them go and don't be a hoarder. If I am done enjoying something, donate it and give someone else a turn.
  
• Be discriminating. I don't have to get rid of everything. It is ok to keep something simply because I like it or because its associations make me feel good. Just make sure it is something I really want and that it has a spot.
  

This approach has lightened my closet by three large trash bags full of clothes. Stacey and Clinton would be proud! I didn't quite get to shoes, but there is always tomorrow. This is just one piece of a multi-step decluttering process, and that is okay. Tonight I go to bed with my clothes arranged by color. Now I can actually see what I have, know what I need, and can feel confident when I pull something out that it fits right and is flattering. Funny how something as small as organizing the closet can even make you feel better about not just your environment, but yourself.

Change

No river can return to its source, yet all rivers must have a beginning. ~ Native American Proverb.

Change feels like it is in the air these days. Everywhere I turn, the institutions in my life are on the precipice of something new. The Republicans tell me they won back the House, because people are hungry for change. Personally, I'm hungry for a cheeseburger, accessible healthcare, fewer lobbyists, and more liberal representatives with a spine. Guess the GOP and me, we both want changes, just not the same ones.

But it's not only the political landscape that is changing. In my workplace, the CEO has "decided to explore other options". People are afraid this might herald yet another reorg, even though it appears that for once they are making management changes instead of just kicking a few more worker bees out of the hive. Some coworkers were surprised, even though the writing has been on the wall since last summer, when our parent company installed two of its major players to create a new "office of the CEO" leadership team. Maybe I'm just weird, but I know I would be updating my resumé if my boss and her boss moved into my cubicle with me, so they could more quickly second guess all my decisions. Does the change carry with it a sense of instability? Sure. But surprise? No.

Even the church I belong to, but at this point rarely attend, is in the throes of preparing for some as yet to be determined new leadership structure. There too, something has felt off kilter to me for some time now (hence my diminishing attendance). Thoreau said that "Things do not change, we change." I am not sure if the community has changed or my perception of it has. Maybe it's what I need from it that has. I have always struggled a bit with that.

My beliefs are broader than the framework provided by the Christian church, but it worked out, because it was a progressive community and the path was more of a wide avenue than a narrow, one-way trail. While I am still very fond of many members, and even of the place itself, I no longer feel the connection I once did. I feel like a visitor and not part of the community. There is a part of me that desperately wants it to feel as it did in the beginning, but some of the sense of hominess is lacking. Perhaps it is because you only get as much out as you put in (and I haven't put much in lately) or perhaps I have just floated too far downstream to return and am on my way to another destination. I am not sure, but that that part of my life too feels unstable.

And that brings me to me. You had to know it was coming. It is, after all, all about me, right? Perhaps it is just my annual early holiday malaise rearing its ugly head, but I find myself craving change. I want it to swoop down on me like a giant, good-willed bird, carrying me away at an exhilarating pace to something wonderful and new. I feel like something is missing but can't quite put my finger on what it is. Over the past few months, I've made some big changes to my diet, I need to make more to my level of activity (in the physical, spiritual and creative senses), but I need something else too. I need to be fed by something more profound than going to work, coming home exhausted, watching a little t.v. and going to bed again in preparation for more of the same. I used to do things, create things, now I just watch and wish.

Maybe that's what this urge for change is, an invitation to figure out what it is that that is missing. I have been thinking that perhaps I needed to start writing again, maybe even resurrect my blog and play here a bit, in order to do just that. What changes do I want/need to make to my life? What is missing? Where do I want to go?

Then, in a moment of synchronicity this morning, I happened to check my yahoo email, which opened up with a funky sort, making the first email an undeleted two-year old notification about a comment on this blog at a time when I was doing a lot of writing. It was from a stranger, Aart Hilal, referring me to Paulo Coehlo's blog. At first, I didn't notice the date on the email, because I was too busy typing Coehlo's name into the search engine. And where did I end up? At the following quote:

When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back.

If that isn't the universe blessing my endeavor, I don't know what is!