Friends, neighbors, countrymen, lend me your ears. I am here to talk to you today about a scourge whose proliferation threatens to ruin our reputation as arbitors of culture and taste among the three people in a remote area on the other side of the world who haven't heard about how we were the ones responsible for McDonald's, WWF wrestling, Cheez Whiz, Wonder Bread, Rob Schneider, and the Bush administration. I think we all know which scourge I'm talking about - the phrase "git r' done".
It wasn't so bad when it was still just on t.v., but this morning, when I turned on the radio, it was playing a sound bite from some Senator or talking head whose commentary on an upcoming vote included a reference to the "great philospher-poet, Larry the Cable Guy" and the exhortation that Congress just "git r' done". Even worse, the saying has infiltrated my workspace. If there's one thing women in their mid-30's should not be running around saying in a constipated tone (because there are so many things the rightfully could be saying in constipated tones!), it's "git r' done".
For the most part, the people I work with are nice as far as co-workers go. Where things don't gel so well is in my lone non-love of Larry the Cable Guy, who is quickly becoming my secret hillbilly nemesis (not to be confused with my celebrity nemesis, who is, as we all know, Oprah Winfrey. She knows what she did!). But back to Larry.
I get that Larry the Cable Guy is a parody of a stupid hillbilly and that there is an element of irony in the character, but seriously, "git r' done" is (and I can't stress this enough) NOT FUNNY. It never was funny. It never will be funny. NEVER. If all the funny fell out of the world leaving no basis for comparison, it still would not be funny. People repeating it ad nauseum does not make it less unfunny. It just makes it repeatedly unfunny. I'm serious people. I would not jerk you around on this. Read my lips: not funny.
Just between you and me (because I may not be able to put this out after I'm confined to the asylum for "git r' done" inspired amock-running), if I hear one more person utter that insipid phrase at work, I will not be responsible for my actions. Despite my normally non-violent leanings, as God is my witness someone is going to get beaned and then stapled to her chair with a Swingline. I also cannot promise that I will not rent an old school van and a big stick, so I can hunt down said Cable Guy and bop him on the head. Don't worry, I don't really mean to injure, just stun. Then I can begin a regimen of deprogramming that begins with forcing him to eat brie and ends with the kind of good and sensible elocution that inspires people to address issues or even take care of things, but never, ever to "git r' done".