It has been decided...

It's been a few days since I've posted. I became a bit sidetracked with holidays, layoffs, hospital visits and computer problems. Between those things, I've also managed to have some fun - went to Portland Revels, saw The Hobbit, took a drive through the Gorge, did a bunch of cooking that I normally don't have time to do, had friends over for Christmas and then celebrated Christmas with other friends last night. On the way over, I realized that we have known each other for 25 years. Because we did not meet in utero, this makes me feel old - old and lucky.

The truth is that even if I sometimes feel emotionally dramatic, I have a pretty good life. It's not perfect (I'm too fat, have too many bills, the kitchen in my house was designed by blind monkeys, etc.), but it is a good life, often even a great one. Like everyone else in the world, just before New Year's Day, I'm thinking about what changes could help put more checks in the great column.

The things is that I really don't like new year's resolutions. What I do like is the idea of doing goal setting for the full year and breaking that down into small quarterly resolutions (aka steps) that will get me there. When I think of it that way, there are three big areas I'd like to focus on this year:

• Health
• Finances
• Creativity

Health: My biggest health complaint is that I am overweight and out of shape. It seems like every year, I (like half the world) resolve to lose weight and get in shape. I make big plans and then lose steam. This year, I am keeping it simpler. I want to lose twenty pounds, ideally by my birthday in March. If I can lose more, that's great, but for now my plan is simply to lose 20 lbs.To that end I am starting off the new year doing a 3-day cleanse, followed by a diet. I think I've tried about every fad diet, shake, powder, pill ever invented. It's all great for a month or two, but then peters out, because you can't live like that long-term.  My plan is simply to eat real, non-processed food, cut out as much sugar and white flour as possible, limit eating out to once per week, and go for a lot of walks. I'll let you know how it goes.

Finances: Compared to a lot of people, I don't really have that much credit card debt. Still, the more unstable my work environment feels the more weighed down I feel by the debt that I do have. It doesn't help that I recently charged a new camera and, even recently, a new laptop after Tedzilla (my sweet, giant labradoodle) knocked a drink on my old laptop in a fit of wiggly-waggely joy. So, I am going to set up a budget that includes making some higher payments on my biggest credit card to pay it off and also putting away a little more into my almost non-existence emergency fund.

Creativity: This one is really more of a list of (probably on-going) projects I'd like to complete this year than a specific goal:

• Look for inspiration by attending and participating in events that motivate me to make things (go to concerts, take a class visit art exhibits, get out in nature, etc.)
• Set aside some time every day (ok, MOST days) to write
• Make a little music (most) every day
• Recommit to the art project I was doing with my friend Jen and her sister
• Blog every day for the month of January (I started this in December, but it fizzled somewhere around the middle)
• Make a quilt
• Come up with a project to justify recent purchase of cool, new camera
• Come up with a project to make my health goal more fun and do some trackig of it (I already bought the journal for it!)

So, those are my goals for 2013. They are (like everything) subject to change, for I am nothing if not flexible, but I think they are a good manageable set of tasks that will set my 2013 off in the right direction.

But, for now, I have to go say a fond farewell for 2012. Wherever you are and whatever you're doing, I hope your New Year's Eve is a good one.

Falling

Tonight, I am writing you from the future – a future where sneaky people write and backdate blog posts, because the weekend was mostly too busy and filled with emergency room visits for regular posting. It all started Friday night, when after a craptacular week of people being pushed over the edge of the fiscal cliff, I decided to celebrate still having a job by going Christmas shopping and out for dinner with my mom. It was all looking good until we stopped for cat litter and beyblades. The store was even relatively empty, considering Christmas was only two and a half week away. With it not being crowded, we took our time browsing around. My mom got jeans, I got a couple pairs of cute $10 pajamas. It was great, unless we decided to leave the safety of Target in search of food. And that is when it happened.

As we were walking out into the parking lot, trying to figure out which aisle we’d parked in, my mom tripped and fell face first into a concerete parking spot divider. It all happened so fast. One second she was walking and the next she was struggling to get up from the wet concrete with blood streaming down her face. Being super squeamish about blood, I kinda froze for a second before I realized that this was going to require more than whatever wadded up piece of napkin I could find in my car to clean up, so we went back into the store to ask for a first aid kit. In the end, the security people at the store (who are apparently trained to help in emergencies too!) were very helpful in getting the bleeding under control and calling 911.

 While we waited, some Target representative catalogued all the injuries down to the last scratch on her knees. I think the lady was actually genuinely nice and concerned, but it was also pretty clear that in this litigious age, they weren’t taking any chances that anyone could come back and sue them for anything that was not on the accident report. By the time the paramedics got there, every scrape and bump had been inventoried and my mom was convinced she was just fine. She always thinks she’s fine. The gaping flap of skin and quickly swelling bump on her forehead, however, begged to differ. In the end, the EMT’s proclaimed that she was going to need stitches and offered to chauffeur her to the hospital a few blocks away by ambulance, but she wasn’t having it. So, I ended up taking her to the emergency room myself after making sure they thought she would be okay if we declined their help.  

Anyone who knows my mom knows that she is no stranger to the emergency room. We joke that Kaiser Sunnyside should have a wing named for her, because I swear her emergency room copays paid for their most recent remodel. In the past ten years alone she’s been there for a pacemaker, a couple of dog bites, an infected hobo spider bit (almost lost a finger!), but there were previous visits too. She attends all of them with cheerful stoicism (really, I’m FINE! I barely feel it. I don’t even need to be here!). I, on the other hand, worry, fret and suffer gacktacular rumblings in my stomach trying not to look too closely at at whatever she’s done to herself this time. As she gets older, I hate these visits even more, because I always feel on the nagging edge of sadness for some future day when I’m going to be hanging around a hospital waiting room because something happened to her like when my dad had his stroke or the subsequent heart attack that killed him. But I try to shove that feeling down.

In the end, it turns out to be one of the quickest emergency room visits ever. An hour and three stitches later, we’re in an out in record time. The next day, the bruising darkens. She looks like someone punched her in the face. Because she insists on taunting me with requests to look at the wound, I know she’s feeling okay. All is well that ends well and with a good excuse to tell people she was in a cage fight at the senior center.

Revelry

Below is a video similar to what I did tonight, except for that it was not 2008, it didn't happen in Washington DC and the theme was Appalachian rather than French-Canadian. More on all of that later, for I am tired and need my beauty sleep.

The Aftermath

Today we had our big company meeting at work. My headache is gone, but my estimate that we had let go about 1/3 of our workforce was sadly correct. That is a lot of people in the past year, considering was already let go 100 back in January, some others over thes summer, and reorganized our management structure a couple months ago. The good news is that I still have my job and can continue the awesome practice of being home officed. That doesn't stop me from feeling bad for everyone else, though.

When the economy was better and we were still letting go people who weren't so well suited for their jobs, I used to always tell myself that maybe it was just time for people to move on, because there was something more appropriate out there for them. Sometimes we need a nudge to get pushed into what we really should be doing instead of being challenged by a role in which we're doomed to fail, because it doesn't highlight our talents. But now we really are (mostly) down to the good people. That what they are supposed to be doing is scrambling to come up with rent, utility and food money going forward is too depressing to contemplate.

The only thing that comforts me is that there are some who also gave their notice today, because they had found new jobs. So, while it is challenging, I guess it's still possible. Meanwhile, I can still be thankful that I have a job that I can still work from my home office, that I have an awesome boss, and that I have hope that my company, which was started and run from in a mid-western garage 50 years ago will soon again thrive.

Martina and the No Good, Horrible, Very Bad Day

A short post again as today was an exhausting day. Shortly after getting to work, we received an announcement that there were significant cuts being made - 150 people let go, more info to come tomorrow. What a heavy, sad way to begin the day. It didn't take long past "We are saddened to announce...", before I started to feel it in my gut.

Luckily for me, I am still employed, but a lot of people who have become friends as we've worked together for years are not. Layoffs weren't unexpected. You don't need an economics degree to know my company isn't performing well, but I figured they would come (like last year) when we all returned from our Christmas holidays. A coworker mentioned that it seemd particularly cruel, so close before Christmas, but I suppose in a way it is better now than after people had overspent, maxing their credit cards buying gifts for the kids.

It's not the first reorg I've been through, but it's never easy. There's the initial fear that you'll get the summons, the sigh of relief when you don't, the realization that other people weren't as lucky, the guilt, and the scrambling to see if the ones you are close to are okay. Even when one understands the fiscal reasoning behind the cuts, the human impact is hard to ignore. It is on days like these that I am so thankful that I work from a home office and don't have to be in the middle of all that turmoil. Even at a distance, there came a point a little before noon, where I just couldn't take any more emails, ims or calls ranging from attempts to fish for gossip to lovely, concerned coworkers, wanting to make sure I was okay (there was a lot of reaching out to make sure people were "safe" today) and had to just step away for a bit.

By the end of the work day, the headache I've been nursing since yesterday started feeling like it was moving into sit-in-the-dark migraine territory. And now I just feel tired and sad. The only thing that has perked me up all evening has been that signs point to possible snow next weekend. So, I'll end this post on the cheerier note that it made me feel just a little excited. What is it about snow that makes even the headachey and tired feel that sense of snow day anticipation that goes back to childhood? I don't know, but it's a bit of happy magic I'll gladly accept after a day like today.

Below is a picture of Lily, Gizmo and Teddy last winter, when Gizzy and Teddy were puppies enjoying their first romp in the snow.

Fra Giovanni

Earlier, I was thinking about how usually it seems to be around the beginning of December that the holiday blues seems to set in. This year, I have have been delightfully blues free compared to past years . I'm still not sure what happened, but whatever it is, I am thankful for it. Thinking about it reminded me of something I always found comforting to read when I was feeling down about the holidays (or anything else, for that matter), so tonight just a quick post of a letter from Fra Giovanni Giocondo to Countess Allagia Aldobrandeschi on Christmas Eve, 1513.

 

Written on Christmas Eve, 1513

 

I salute you. I am your friend, and my love for you goes deep.

There is nothing I can give you which you have not.
But there is much, very much, that, while I cannot give it, you can take.
No heaven can come to us unless our hearts find rest in it today.
Take heaven!

No peace lies in the future which is not hidden in this present little instant.

Take peace!

The gloom of the world is but a shadow.
Behind it, yet within our reach, is joy.
There is radiance and glory in darkness, could we but see.

And to see, we have only to look.
I beseech you to look!

Life is so generous a giver.
But we, judging its gifts by their covering, cast them away as
ugly or heavy or hard.
Remove the covering, and you will find beneath it a living splendor,
woven of love by wisdom, with power.

Welcome it, grasp it, and you touch the angel's hand that brings it to you.

Everything we call a trial, a sorrow or a duty, believe me,
that angel's hand is there.

The gift is there and the wonder of an overshadowing presence.
Your joys, too, be not content with them as joys.
They, too, conceal diviner gifts.

Life is so full of meaning and purpose, so full of beauty beneath its covering,

that you will find earth but cloaks your heaven.
Courage then to claim it; that is all!

But courage you have, and the knowledge that we are pilgrims together,

wending through unknown country home.

And so, at this time, I greet you, not quite as the world sends greetings,

but with profound esteem and with the prayer that for you, now and

forever, the day breaks and shadows flee away.

~ Fra Giovanni

The Sweetness of Honey

For an uptight, white semi-Protestant, who has such an eclectic view of religion that she doens't have a name for it, I have an amazing affinity for gospel music sung by black women with big voices. Really, I have an affinity for all music as long as it's well done. And one thing that the members of Sweet Honey in the Rock do brilliantly is sing. Each one of these women has an amazing voice in her own right. I would be thrilled to hear any one of them sing live, but when you put them together, the result is such a beautiful tapestry of harmony and rhythm it dances into the sublime.

Tonight I had the unmitigated pleasure of hearing them perform at the Dolores Winningstand Theatre. It is an evening I will remember for a long time to come. The thing I love so much about these women is they way interweave music with social and civil rights issues. Their music is not a lullaby but a call to awaken. They use music to honor where we have been and to push us into thinking about where we want to go as a society and as a culture. In doing so, they take something that would be beautiful as art on is own and make it into something important, something that that inspires people to shape the world into a kinder, gentler, more loving, more beautiful place. I can't think of a more apt way to introduce them than the Brecht* quote that was used to introduce them tonight: "Art is not a mirror to reflect reality, but a hammer with which to shape it."

I've seen them perform before, and it was amazing, but to see them in such an intimate venue was a real treat and the perfect way to start of a month of celebrating all the things that make life sweet as the Christmas holidays draw near. Nights like tonight really do make my heart happy.

(*Note: I've also seen this quote attributed to Karl Marx on the net, but, of course, no one ever cites where it came from. If the internet were a research writing course, it would not get high marks for accurate footnotes!)

There will be cheer!

It has not quite been a year since I last posted, but many things have come to pass: my two Christmas puppies from last year are now grown, twinkies did not outlast everything after all, our government has been overthrown by gnomes (okay, not really, just checking if you're paying attention), and December is here. And you know what that means! You don't? Well, then I shall tell you. It means it is time for my Advent gift to you (yes you!). This is the gift wherein I announce that I am not dead yet. I know this will come as a huge surprise, especially to those who don't know me, but you have my word of honor that it is true, so don't be hatching elaborate conspiracy theories wherein I wrote this post before my demise and post-dated it. Just between you and me, I'm really not smart enough to come up with something that devious, and even if I were, I'm far too lazy.

 
Now that we have that out of the way, can you believe that it is already December 1? Me neither. It's only twenty more blessed days until the winter solstice and the days again slowly starting to grow longer and then it is just a few days until Christmas. Despite having sometimes battled with holiday blues, this year I am excited about the season. I am not entirely sure what has elevated my mood this year, but it seems that a few things have conspired to make the holiday season a bit more welcome this year. As near as I can tell, it is a number of things working together to create the perfect (snow)storm.

• Gratitude: In the weeks leading up to Thanksgiving, I made it a point every date to write down something for which I felt thankful. The list went from the ridiculous (on Thanksgiving, I was thankful that I wasn't a turkey!) to the sublime (friends, family, pets, music), but every day no matter how I felt, I wrote something, anything that engendered feelings of gratitude. And you know what? It worked! It worked so well that it is a practice I want to keep up. I think it really made me realize how much I have. I may not be wealthy, I may not have some traditional Norman Rockwell family experience, but what I do have are great friends who are family, cuddly rescued pets who think I'm the greatest thing since catnip and rawhide, a warm (if sometimes crowded) house, a good job, and the satisfaction of waking up knowing I will not end the day lounging in a roasting pan while some strange lady stuffs with my nether regions with bread, dried cranberries and chestnuts.
• Activities: This year I gave some thought to the coming holidays and made sure I had some events and activities planned to look forward to. I got tickets to Portland Revels (as of last year, my new all-time favorite holiday activity!) and a Sweet Honey in the Rock Concert, making sure I had some holiday events to look forward to early in the month. I also plan to be open to impromptu participation in some of the other Christmas festivities in my town and definitely will attend the Christmas Eve candlelight service at my favorite progressive church.
  
• Mindful gifting: I don't buy a ton of gifts each year. My mom and I don't really exchange gifts anymore. We probably spend more money buying presents for our dogs than we do for each other at Christmas. We usually just celebrate with togetherness, good food, some joint donations to our favorite charities and maybe tickets to a show or something like that, but it's been a long time since we've exchanged presents. For the gifts I do buy, I've never been a big Black Friday kind of shopper, but (with the exception of my adopted nephew, whose seven year old brain is convinced that there is nothing more precious on this earth than beyblades) this year I've made a really conscious decision to support local businesses, artisans, and the arts as much as possible in my gift giving. It really takes the pressure off. There are no huge crowds on Etsy, and, even if I do have to go out shopping, I can do so feeling good that I am supporting some worthy small business or organization instead of supporting the greed of asshat companies that tore employees away from their families on Thanksgiving just to work a sale that could have just as easily been had the next day or the day after that. It also makes it so when I do get out into the hustle and bustle of things, I can just enjoy the decorations and music without having a mission, because I know that my mission is at the little store down the street or the internet or the theater and then somehow all the stress parts of the hustling and bustling just roll off me.
  
• Décor & Flexibility: At my house, to tree or not to tree is the eternal question. I love big, fresh cut Christmas trees. The other human dweller in my home would be just as happy without a tree and if we must have one, there is always a push for something small and fake, which for me kind of defeats the purpose. There is an added element in that Teddy the Labzilla is in a phase of his adolescence in which his mission in life is to pilfer anything that's not nailed down. I am convinced that he must think his name is "Teddydropit!"His history of stealing shoes, hair brushes, underwear, flashlights, sweet potatoes and anything else he can get his paws on does not give me high hopes for Christmas ornaments. Somebody is getting coal in his stocking, and his name starts with a T. Sadly, he will probably try to eat the coal (eating things most people would think are non-edible being another cherished hobby) and a chase will ensue, but that is another story for another time. So, the plan for now is to see how we do with an advent wreath, lights and decorations on the mantle. If he passes phase one, then we will look into phase two – a tree. Either way, we WILL have something festive looking in this house, even if it's just a tinsel festooned labradoodle tied down with Christmas lights.
  
• Letting go & less stress: Somehow in a climate of layoffs (like many companies, mine started the year with them, there were more in the summer, and it's looking like there could be more in January), my work has become much less stressful. Part of this is due to my own learning to let go a bit and part is because I'm the only person left and have much less involved boss and more personal control over how I schedule my time than I ever did in the past. The net result: Work stress does not bleed out of my work time and into my personal life. After years of feeling frazzled by my professional life, this is a huge weight off my shoulders and one I've had to lift myself by changing some of my own attitudes about what is and isn't worth my emotional energy. It's only taken me almost eleven years with the company, but I think I've finally done it!
  
• Spirit of the Season: My spiritual beliefs run to the eclectic. There are some beautiful things about Christianity and the traditional celebration of Christmas. There are also equally beautiful things in older pagan and druidic traditions and the celebration of the Solstice. So, at my house, we are doing both this year. We have greens, advent candles that are, instead of the traditional white, pink and purple, a mix of foresty green and pinecone shaped to honor nature and the coming of the light. I am joining an Advent Reading and Discussion Group, but also spending time observing some different weekly Yule traditions. I did celebrate a sort of last minute, half-assed Alban Arthuan ritual last year, but this year I am being more intentional about honoring both. There are people who will say you can't do or believe both, but I say that anything that makes you feel closer to the spirit of the world and the coming of the light is a thing worth doing. Your path is yours and mine is mine and in my humble opinion, they lead to the same place anyway. There are many ways to reach the mountain peak and we all must choose our own.
  

And that is, at this early part of December, my recipe for a happy holiday season. There will be sparkling light, gifts, celebrations with loves ones (the details of which have not all been completely hammered out yet) and food (there is always food!). If that fails, there is always drink. Most of all, however, I hope there will be happiness. It is what I wish for you, for me, for all of us who sometimes struggle this time of year. As we embark upon this final month of the year, may it be filled with the same spirit of wonder, joy and beauty I am hoping to hold onto myself.

 

Meet the Family

If you know anything about me, it is that animals are high on my list of happy making things. I do not just like animals. I LOVE them. By the time I started school, I had already developed a habit of bringing home strays. This habit has stuck with me into adulthood. I have no use for people who are treat them badly. I always feel a certain amount of distrust for people who don’t like them. A person who can be cruel to a dog, can be cruel to a person too. My belief about pets is that they are family. Once you adopt them, you are responsible for their health and well-being for the rest of their days.

So, you can imagine how hard it hit me when our sweet old man, Toby, died this fall. I love all dogs and would save every stray, if I could, but Toby was special. He had this gentle nature that was so loving and sweet that you couldn’t get mad at him when he (as a puppy) ripped a whole branch off our cool new dwarf apple tree that sported three varieties of apples, leaving it to sport only two. I remember the time (also when he was a puppy) when I couldn’t get out of the front entry of my house, because the reason he had been so quiet for so long was that he had been busy digging all the dirt out of a giant brick planter in an effort to refashion it into Mt. Porch, whose soily slopes were so close to the storm door, it wouldn’t open. Or there was his first romp in the snow. He was so excited he knocked me down, then kept doing so as I was trying to haul myself up off the ground. In the end, we landed in a pile of laughter and wiggly dog. It is one of my favorite young memories of him. He quieted down a lot as he grew up (so much so that we used to joke that he was so mellow because he had a stash of weed in the back yard). He was sweet to everyone and everything.  He left a huge (this time metaphorical) hole in our hearts.

It has been almost five months, and I still miss him and expect to see him laying in his spot in front of the window. The other day I watched a video of him howling along to Bizet’s Habanera with me. He loved to do that, but only if I sang it with only “beak beak beak” as the lyrics. I thought I was ready, but watching it still made me cry, despite the ridiculousness of the bad operatic beaking. If I remember later, I will post the video here and you’ll see what I mean. If there’s one thing dogs know how to do, it is bring out the best and silliest in us. It is one of the things that make them so awesome.

Although Toby wasn’t our only dog, a few weeks after he died, we decided to adopt a puppy. It just seemed like the right place to direct all that emotion. Saving another homeless pet (Toby himself was rescued from animal control) seemed like a good way to honor all the wonderful things that he brought to our lives. In looking for a new friend, our only criteria was that he or she be young and of a relatively mellow temperament, because it would be easier to integrate such a dog into our family, which already features enough high strung neurotics, including myself and  a terrier, who even after seeing an expensive dog therapist takes YEARS to make friends with anyone and doesn’t like it when strangers acknowledge him or look him in the eye.

 As we were searching for the right new friend, I scanned Oregon Humane Society’s website regularly, contacted a few animal rescues and filled out a few applications. Then, one day, we were out having lunch and decided to make an impromptu trip to OHS. It was there that we found Gizmo, aka Gizzy and Lord Gizmogar (but only when he’s plotting to take over the universe). He is a terrier mix who has the personality of a Toby wrapped in the body of a snausage. What he lacks in leg length (and that’s a lot!), he more than makes up for in charm. I even forgave him for defacing my library copy of The House on Tradd Street. We’ll see if the Multnomah County Library is as charitable. And, in his defense, it is the only thing (except for a thankfully unplugged string of Christmas lights) that he has ever destroyed. He was young. It was a different time.

He was 10 weeks old when we brought him home. Now, at almost 6 months, he is everything I could hope for in a dog. He is sweet and loyal and gets along with everyone. He hangs so close that I am convinced that I will never again go to the bathroom alone. His hobbies include cuddling, idolizing Lily the papillon and melting hearts (even Baxter the neurotic terrier likes him). He is, of course, not a replacement for our beloved Toby, but a funny, sweet, loyal little personality in his own right. Adopting him is one of the best decisions I ever made.

But my story doesn’t end there. Remember back in the beginning how I said that I had gotten on some lists at rescues? A few days before Christmas, I got a call from someone who was fostering a labradoodle puppy who sounded like he would be a good fit for us. As difficult as it was, I said “No, we already found our puppy, but thank you and good luck finding a home for him.” But then, I started feeling bad. What if he didn’t find a home? Then my mom (who lives with me) started talking about how nice it would be to have a puppy that would sleep with her. My resolve when it comes to animals is shaky at best I do not believe in breeders or puppy mills, but am so weak that I have to ban myself from any pet store that carries actual pets, because I can’t be trusted when faced with a little kitten whose feet keep falling through the grating of those horrible cages they sometimes keep them in. At the same time as I don’t believe in funding these operations so they perpetuate the cycle, my immediate reaction is to want to save them from their pet store prisons where no one cares if they are adopted into a good home or by some beast who won’t take proper care of them. My mother is no better. She makes me look like Old Iron Fist. It is from her that I inherited the genetic predisposition to being a sucker for strays and other lost souls. And so (did you ever doubt where this was going?), we now have not one puppy but two. Saying this always makes me think of the “Two Ladies” song from Cabaret… Beedle dee, dee dee dee, two puppies! Beedle dee, dee dee dee, two puppies!

But I digress…Meet Teddy, aka Filbert (I don’t know why, it just is) and The Muppetman:

Teddy’s hobbies include looking like a muppet, slobbering, eating shoes, getting wet, tracking mud into the house, learning that neither my desk nor the coffee table is an appropriate place to stand, and playing with his BFF, Gizmo. It is impossible to get mad at him for anything, because he constantly has the above expression on your face. We don’t yell at our dogs anyway, but it would be like yelling at Supergrover. He has no concept whatsoever of his size and he is as sweet as he looks. I defy anyone with a soul to not like him.

At first I felt a little weird that I was becoming some kind of canine loving spin on the classic crazy cat lady, but then I decided that it’s not like we have twelve dogs. The ones we do have are well-fed, go to regular vet appointments, don’t bother anyone, are all licensed and are not over any legal limits. Moreover, the dynamic in the house has noticeably changed. The existing dogs are calmer and sweeter and channel their energy into playing with the puppies instead of acting out in less desirable ways. As it turns out, while having two puppies is a LOT of work, it is also insanely fun. If someone doesn’t like it, they can suck it. While we are at capacity (any future animal helping for a long, long while will be via volunteer work and donations!), what we have works for us.

More importantly, it feels good to give someone who might have had an otherwise bleak future a home. Gizmo is so quiet and sweet he shouldn’t be around people with diabetes. Teddy fits in like he was destined for this house. He looks like a total muppet, and if I have learned one thing in life, it is that you should never turn down the chance to live with a muppet.

Beedle dee, dee dee dee, two puppies! Beedle dee, dee dee dee, two puppies! And I am one of only two hu-MANS. Oh, Beedle dee, dee dee dee, I like it! Beedle dee, dee dee dee, they like it! Beedle dee, dee dee dee, this two for one!

January 2.0

Happy Imbolc, St. Brigid’s Day and New Year and welcome January 2.0 (known in some circles as February). January 1.0 sucked like an industrial grade hoover, so I have decided to start 2012 over again. TODAY is the first day of the rest of my life (possibly yours too). Here are my reasons why this seems like a good idea:

FACT: My post-a-day for a month project failed miserably after day two. My friend Jen’s was a shimmering success. This has done nothing to help me cultivate a feeling of superiority.

FACT: The second week of January, they laid off 100 people at work, including my favorite co-worker/primary helper.

FACT: On January 15th, I took the day off because I was catching a cold. Three weeks later, I am STILL coughing.

FACT: The diet I started at the end of January was derailed after a couple of days. February feels much better for salads and pre-packaged meals.

FACT: I barely read, wrote or made a thing all month.

FACT: Like Angel, who was doomed on Buffy never to find true happiness, January was probably cursed by a gypsy. I bet it was a Prometheus Unbound loving on who begins all of her curses with “I curse thee! Let a sufferer’s curse clasp thee, her torturer, like remove; Till thine Infinity shall be a robe of envenomed agony.” (TM Percy Bysshe Shelley, fine lyric poet/curser)

All of these signs point to February 1st being a great day to start over. It is Brigid’s day. Brigid! My favorite goddess and patron of healing, poetry and smithcraft. I have no beef with smithcraft and I KNOW I could use more healing and poetry in my life. So, Happy New Year! Here’s to new beginnings!

Hello 2012! A new year’s meme

Last year, I stole this meme from another blog and posted it on my blog. This year, I am stealing it from myself!

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
   
   I visited Houston (NASA!), toured the Temani Pesh-Wa Trail, attended Portland Revels (which will definitely become an annual holiday tradition going forward…you should all come with me, it was a blast and I've been humming "The Lord of the Dance" song ever since!), and I started working on creating 100 pieces of art (an ongoing project that will carry on to the new year).
   
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
   
   No to keeping them; yes to making them. Hope springs eternal.
   
3. Did anyone close to you die?
   Yes, two somebodies - Toby, the sweetest dog ever and Loki the freeway cat. We have since adopted two new rescues, but I still miss them both every day.
   
4. Did you take any trips?
   
   I went to Texas in January, which is almost like visiting another planet! I also visited Troy, MI a few times.
   
5. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
   
   A cleaner line between my work and personal life and no guilt about drawing it with a super fat tipped marker!
   
6. What dates from 2011 will remain etched your memory, and why?
   
   I hardly ever remember dates, but some events the will stick with me are:
   
   My mom's birthday in August, just because we had such a fun day walking the Temani Pesh-Wa Trail, having a picnic, visiting Maryhill and stopping for a lovely dinner of cherry, chorizo and goat cheese pizza on the way home.
   
   The night I went to Portland Revels, because it was a perfect blend of most the things I love - arts, singing, friends, good company, and a delicious shrimp korma and dinner conversation.
   
   Losing Toby and Loki will be another less pleasant memory I will carry with me. It was heart breaking to see Toby fade the way he did over the course of a week or two and Loki's death was so sudden and came just a week or so later. It was really hard on everyone in my house.
   
7. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
   
   Professionally it was being the only person in my office who wasn't let go in September. As a result, I've been home officed since then (which was a goal for this year!). I LOVE because it eliminates about 300 miles of driving a week and I get to work in the same room as my dogs! Good for my sanity AND the environment!
   
8. What was your biggest failure?
   
   Letting my job affect my personal life. I am still learning to separate work stress from my family life. That is the one drawback of the lack of commute – there is no time to decompress. I'm thinking I need to create a little space between the end of my work day and the beginning of home life. Maybe that would be a good time to meditate or work on an art project!
   
9. Did you suffer illness or injury?   
   
   Nothing too serious. As with last year, when I finally got some vacation, I started feeling a little crappy – this time my neck.
   
10. What was the best thing you bought?
    
    Puppies (tops on the impractical purchase list…but, hey, the money went to non-profit animal rescues and they make me happy! I've never had TWO puppies before! On the more practical side, having extensive blood work done to pinpoint vitamin deficiencies was one of my better, more sensible ideas in a long while.
    
11. Whose behavior merited celebration?
    
    Gizmo – he responds to every situation with the perfect blend of sweetness and kindness. He is just a puppy, but I could learn so much from his approach to life.
    
12. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
    
    Every single person who ever mistreated an animal.
    
13. Where did most of your money go?
    
    If we're counting fun stuff (i.e. not living expenses), it would be restaurants and pet supplies. The rest was all about food, insurance, bills, etc.
    
14. What did you get really excited about?
    
    I've been studying alternative (aka non-Abrahamic) religions, which has been fascinating (and sometimes amusing…I 'm amazed at how much "You're not a real [insert path here] there is among Pagan religions) . I will probably continue that research into the new year.
    
15. What song will always remind you of 2011?
    
    There are two: That Mozella song "Love Is Endless". It was my favorite for quite a while (until they started using it in those commercials). Also Audra Mae's "The Happiest Lamb".
    
16. Compared to this time last year, are you:
    
    1. happier or sadder? Happier – no scheduled work trips on the horizon
       
    2. Thinner or fatter? Slightly thinner
       
    3. Richer or poorer? About the same, though I feel poorer having gone a little overboard with Christmas this year.
       
    4. What do you wish you'd done more of? I wish I'd better used the nice weather during the summer – more meals outdoors, more outings, etc. Also more writing and creative stuff (though that did improve a bit during the last quarter of the year).
       
    5. What do you wish you'd done less of? Work and worry
       
    6. How did you Christmas? Christmas eve with friends and Christmas day with other friends
       
    7. Did you fall in love in 2011? No, unless it is literally puppy love and that is pretty okay with me.
       
    8. What was your favorite TV program? I am obsessed with Psych (old news I know, but I'm loving it now that I'm getting caught up), also Grimm (which is filmed here in Portland)
       
17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't have this time last year?
    
    No, hate is a waste of energy. I do, however, find myself less bothered by a couple of individuals at work, having chosen to change the way I respond to them. The stern talk I had with myself about not having to like everyone or want everyone to like me seems to have worked! It made more confident in dealing with the couple people who felt like a thorn in my side, which has made them less likely to run me ragged.
    
    Now my for the answer that makes me sound less noble: If I hated anyone, it would be the fucktard around the corner who uses New Year's Eve and 4^th of July as an excuse to blow things up that make my floorboards shake.
    
18. What was the best book you read?
    
    Probably A Discovery of Witches or Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children. I went through a witchy/spooky l phase earlier this year and those were my two favorites.
    
19. What was your greatest musical discovery?
    
    MoZella…I love the upbeat vibe to a lot of her music. I would say Audra Mae, but technically my friends Jen and Becky discovered her and shared her with me.
    
20. What did you want and get?
    
    A new iPod and to work from home.
    
21. What did you want and not get?
    
    A new body J
    
22. What was your favorite film this year?
    
    
    I don't know. I can barely remember seeing anything new besides The Help. It was a big year for Netflix at my house.
    
23. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
    
    I went for dinner with friends and on a mystery road trip, which was AWESOME!
    
24. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
    
    There were some difficult pet related milestones this year. Greater balance between work and home.
    
25. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
    
    Let's just say that working at home has allowed me to wear out my favorite Nick & Nora pajama bottoms. (RIP Sugar Skull pajamas.) Now I'm excited whenever I can find a reason to dress up.
    
26. What kept you sane?
    
    Who said I was sane?
    
27. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
    
    I don't really have that much interest in celebrities, but am a little fascinated by Russell Brand.
    
28. What political issue stirred you the most?
    
    The death penalty
    
29. Who did you miss?
    
    Toby and Loki
    
30. Who was the best new person you met?
    
    I really do not know how to answer that.
    
31. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.
    
    We are capable of much more than we ever thought possible. Don't let fear of not being perfect paralyse you.
    

Happy New Year!

Can you believe it's already 2012? Twenty…..twelve! It wasn't so long ago that the year 20anything sounded like we'd all be commuting to work via personal hovercraft. (By the way, why am I still driving a Matrix?) Wasn't Y2K like yesterday? Time goes so fast. The Bangles said it was when you are having fun, but that's only half true. The truth is that it just goes fast in general. No one tells you this when you're young or if they do, it doesn't sink in, because you are young and they are old and what do those geezers know anyway? When you're 20, getting older is something that happens to other people. The other thing they don't tell you, by the way, is that you don't feel older. I mean, sure, I'm not as big a dumbass as I was at 20, but it's not like you wake up one morning feeling like you've finally achieved all the wisdom and maturity. But holy crap on a cracker, does it all go quickly looking back!

2011 was no exception. Frankly, I'm glad it's over. I'm ready to move on. It was in some ways a tough year – dog drama, big changes at work, too much travel and the loss of two beloved pets within the span of a couple weeks. Toby and Loki had been with us for well over a decade each and it was heart breaking to have to say goodbye to two such sweet and loyal family members. I still expect to see them around the house. We also said hello to two new rescue puppies (Gizmo and The Muppet, who is so new his name is still in negotiations). They certainly don't replace our lost friends, but having a couple of babies to love (and keep from chewing or peeing on everything in sight!) certainly brings some joy to temper the emptiness they left in their furry wake. It also reminds me that joy and even beauty can evolve from even the most difficult transitions. The truth is that passings wouldn't hurt so much, if we didn't have the immense joy of loving a being. And I wouldn't trade that for the world, even a world without the pain of loss.

Still, even with life's normal ups and downs, I feel pretty lucky. I have great friends and family, a warm place to sleep and have of late been experiencing a renaissance of personal creativity (more about that another time, but there's been a lot more writing, music making and even exploring other creative media of late). I am still working on my goals for the new year (I am approaching them a little differently this year), but if there is one overarching goal that I have, it is to fill the corners of my life with the kind of inspiration Kurt Vonnegut was talking about when he wrote:

Practicing an art, no matter how well or how badly, is a way to make your soul grow, for heaven's sake. Sing in the shower. Dance to the radio. Tell stories. Write a poem to a friend, even a lousy poem. Do it as well as you can. You will get an enormous reward. You will have created something."

And I guess that's the wonderful thing about new years. They offer us an excuse to start over; a reason to grasp for new possibilities, to start singing in the shower, dancing to the radio and forming all kinds of new habits to fill our lives with enjoy joy to carry us through the hard times. My wish for myself (and for you, if you're reading this) is that we go forth into a soul growing, joyful 2012.